Beauty in the reality of letting go

Racing thoughts. What ifs. What then. The empty threats said. The knives verbally thrown that hooked themselves in the darkness of my thoughts. The thought of being stuck/ trapped in his abusive narcissistic behavior forever. What if after, he starts showing up in my life again? What if he has access to my innocent child?

In public he looked madly in love with me. Friends and family thought I was his everything. Social media twisted the reality of our relationship into something beautiful. Instead of beautiful love, gentle kindness, the story goes as follows. I was used and abused. Natasha Wilger was a victim of domestic abuse. I don't have bruises or scars to prove it. I have memories and words and threats stuck in my head that no one will understand instead. My name to him was nothing more than a mere signature on legal documents to get what he wanted. Access to my financials and assets. My deep secrets I shared was supposed to be something sacred. Something intimate shared between two people. To him it was a weapon to use when I would disagree with him. To him it was a tool to manipulate me into agreeing with him so he could get what he wanted. When I would try to leave he would "fight for me to stay". Isn't that what every girl wants? Accept it wasn't to keep me from leaving because he wanted me. It was to keep me from leaving him to gain a sense of control. As long as the girl who was out of his league and was successful didn't leave his ego would stay in tack.

A day came where the sun brightened a little bit. I woke up from this dark place and crossed paths with an angel who told me I deserved better. Spent time showing me what beautiful love was supposed to look like. Showed me I deserved so much more than just security in a relationship. I deserved kind words. I deserved selflessness. I deserve someone who is willing to fight for me because I am a beautiful soul. I deserve someone who's soul dances with mine. A sad day that was when that angel in my life left. But so many lessons were given. The most important being not to settle for anyone who wouldn't treat me the way i deserve to be treated. Until then treating myself the way i deserved was enough. Memories that i will be forever grateful for.

April 26th: 8:00...

The first step to letting go... or so I thought. The lies that flew out of his mouth. Over and over again. Tears streamed down my face as I sat there shaking. The judge wasn't having his lies. The judge looked at me with mercy and kindness giving me a half an ounce of hope that i have been hanging onto since. He did everything to prolong the process of me feeling freedom. Little did he know that no amount of assets, money, hateful words could ever make me regret leaving. The freedom i have felt since putting my foot down has been worth every cent i have had to try to collect. Every cent I had to pay someone to be on my side. My physical freedom from my abuser has not price tag.

October 10th.

One day closer to being untrapped. one day closer to letting go. The anxiety and fear of what is happening to my future has been crippling. The fear of a man taking financial advantage of me has been overwhelming and paralyzing. I sit in a coffee shop convincing myself i am strong, beautiful and capapble of whatever comes in my path. But it feels bigger than I can bear. Just four days before my signature was used a year ago. One year ago I had used my signature to sign on the worst document of my life. Thirty seconds turned into the worst thirty seconds of my life very quickly. If only a year ago i would have been as strong and confident in myself and what i deserve as I am now. Not three weeks later did I realize this.

I cannot wait for this nightmere to be over. I can't wait to feel emotional freedom. Freedom from a twisted corrupted relationship. Freedom from the behavior of a narcissist. Freedom from lies and threats about who I am. Freedom from being responsible for the ego and confidence of another human. Freedom from exauhstion.

I walked outside as the cold brisk air hit my face reminding me that it was fall. Leaves were changing colors because summer was dying away. Pretty soon all the trees would look absolutely stunning before letting go of the dying leaves they were holding onto. Pretty soon, letting go of all the past and being able to start over was going to look beautiful in my life too.